iamralph21

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Kasama mo ako

Kasama mo ako
Ralph Lawrence Monserrate
(Para sa pinakakamamahal kong si Aljessa)

Di lahat nakakakita
ng kagandahan ng diwa
lalo na kung natabunan na ng sala.
Kahit paano kang magbago
punuin mo man ng pagsamo
matalim parin ang kanilang mga dila.

Ngunit wag kang malulungkot, tapalan ang kanilang puot
ng ngiti.
Hawakan mo aking kamay, galugarin natin ang buhay
at mga pisngi…

ng ulap,
at ating isulat,
mga hinaing sa mundo, oh ako ay kasama mo.
Ating imulat
mga mata at tanggaping lahat ay maaayos din
pagkat kasama mo ako

Alam ko na mahirap,
paksa ma’y ‘di mo mayakap,
ngunit tiwala ang kaylangan upang mahanap
ang ating inaasam
na hangin lang ang may alam
pagibig na ating pinapangarap.

Kaya’t wag kang malulungkot, kalimutan mo ang puot
at ngumiti.
Hawakan mo aking kamay, tayo ay maglalakbay.
Matutong magtiwala muli.

At sa ulap
natin isusulat
mga problema at gulo. Ako ay kasama mo.
Tayo’y mamumulat
at matututong tanggapig, lahat ay maaayos din.
Saan ka man mapadpad, ako ay lilipad.
Saan mang sulok ng mundo, asahang darating ako.
At kung maubos na ang oras, o ang buhay’  magwakas
kasama mo ako.

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The Dream | A Romantic Endeavor

As someone who has gone through a couple of years into a relationship, I’ve experienced moments where I felt like my relationship with my partner is slowly deteriorating. I wouldn’t say we’re talking each other for granted, but more of expecting each other to always be available, hence not thinking about ways to strengthen the relationship any further.

I like to think that it is not a bad thing to settle with what we have, but this thought always leads to me thinking about the things I want for my partner. I want her to reach for her dreams, be able to do the thing she likes without any hesitations and remorse, and continue to grow as a person. And so I think to myself that “settling won’t make the cut”.

If I want something, I have to work for it. Yes, I want money. This is one of the main reasons I’m working 40 hours a week, but why money? There’s more than just buying new stuff, clothes, and other luxuries in life. It is for me to keep moving up in life, not just financially, but for self-worth. Because how would I help my partner achieve her goals if I myself am at halt with my life? I wouldn’t be able to share her struggles in moving forward, I wouldn’t understand her problems.

This is why I have to work hard. We work hard for the things we want, and I want to help her transcend.

I don’t want to see this unrecognized care escalate into completely taking her for granted, because to be honest, I felt like I was being taken for granted and no one wants that.

Just a few days ago, I had a struggle of bringing up a topic with my partner. A topic that I believed will lead to a week-long argument.  But as I brought it up, she answered very calmly, and seems to not care about it at all. As if her words were unconsciously telling me “do what you want, I don’t care”. Sure, I didn’t have to worry about the argument anymore because she’s OK with it. But it broke my heart just a tiny bit, the tiny kind that leads to the worst cracks. With no exaggeration, I immediately saw our “real break-up” coming forward.

But, as I was just about to break down, She sees the pain in my eyes and told me why she seem to have abruptly approved with the issue I brought up. She already knew about the topic I brought up a day ahead, and was just waiting for me to tell it to her. She was waiting for me to say it. She knew that I had problems with sharing my trials with her, and she helped me overcome it by letting me handle it without even telling me. Then it hit me… This girl loves me. She helps me grow as a person who is in control of his emotions. She wants me to grow. And I believe that that is true love.

I’ve never thought that someone, besides my family, would want something better for me, someone who works hard to help me achieve my goals.

Of course, this is not the only time and/or situation where I felt her unconditional love for me. I just wanted to share this beautiful situation to everyone who might be feeling left out.

Maybe we aren’t really being taken for granted, maybe they love us and that they are actually focused on us. Secretly helping us and watching us grow, because after all, it’s their goal. You are their goal.

I am grateful that I have a partner who truly loves me. And because of that, I am dedicated to making sure she doesn’t feel left out. After all, she is my dream. And I can’t wait to see my dream soar, and come true right before my eyes.

Weight off my shoulders

I’ve presented my work just the other day, and it’s nice to know that I was somehow on track. I did learned that I do nee d to plunge deeper when it comes to synthesizing my work, and that I need to look further into the future rather than just focusing on summarizing research studies for the sake of presenting.

Feedback is actually something that I’ve been waiting for from my superior a couple of weeks back. I was so stressed and worried that I might be working out of bounds, and that it will affect not only me in the future, but all the people involved in the project.

From this experience, I’ve learned to be more confident on my skills, and trust that things will fall in place if I work hard and do my best.

My colleagues are actually very encouraging regarding my work, and are always there to support me whenever I’m a bit lost.

All jobs, whether big or small, requires dedication and patience to achieve what is expected of you. For all you know, you could possibly be an asset for the company you work for even in the littlest thing you do.

Hi

Hi!

How’s it going?

Uhm…

Bye!

monkey-sad-opinionatedmale-com

Statistics… YIKES!

I really liked my college days. Not only the perks from the none-academic activities; or the fun had I got from being an unrestricted teenager, but the actual subjects that I was taking –especially my major subjects. One particular subject that really got my attention was “Research”. I know that it may seem a bit of a humble-brag, but I really liked how I was able to come up with a problem, gather data and references and being able to patch them up to arrive at a particular idea or a conclusion. Although one thing kept me from moving forward with that subject; something that struck the boredom in me, and that is Statistics.

Yep, I was just an average kid who thinks he’s such an artistic mind who doesn’t have time to deal with numbers.

I just couldn’t deal with all the formulas and all that jazz that I had to remember. It’s true that things get easier if you know the formulas. You just have to input the numbers and things will follow (I’m not really sure if that’s how it goes 😛).

Anyway, this leads me to my actual point. I am now working as a researcher in a pretty prestige college here in manila, and without any surprise, it involves statistics. At first I was burning through those journal articles, like I had all the time in the world just for reading, but every time I come across statistics that I have to comprehend, I feel like time slows down and I get stuck on that part for a very long time.

It’s kind of stressful for me, because I really want to deliver outputs, at least on a daily basis. My boss isn’t really requiring me to hand out outputs right away; he’s actually very subtle on giving me deadlines. But I get so conscious since I believe all of my co-workers are so certain of what they do here, then there’s me; sitting in my table, pretending to be very progressive and confident in my job, but the truth is my mind is deteriorating

Anyway, I’m just glad that my boss and co-workers are fun and supportive. I just hope I can deliver my workload and not disappoint them. For now, it’s time to hit the books (or in my case, Google).

Peace out!

P.S.
If anyone out there is actually reading my blog, some pointers or tips for stats wouldn’t hurt. 🙂

Personal thoughts/ Things on my mind

I’m here again, about to explain a situation that would tell where I was before; how I got there, and what happens next. So…

This entry might not go so well since I haven’t written anything here for the longest time, so let me just start with this.

The Office of Center for Learning and Performance Assessment at the De La Salle – College of Saint Benilde Hired me back for the Researcher position (which practically means, I got my day job back), and it pays a lot more than all my previous job, which is great! Also, I’m still performing in a band, this time regularly, every Friday from 6:00 pm onward, which is actually pretty cool because this time, I also get paid for it. How awesome is that? And it doesn’t stop there! I’ve been getting portrait commissions lately that got me working on my drawings that is also one of the things I’m passionate about.

But one thing that I’ve been constantly been worried about is my relationship with my girlfriend. Sure, we have days where we could just lie in bed together and think of nothing but ourselves; days where all I can remember is laughter, happiness and joy. But recently, our process of dealing with fights has been becoming more brutal, and this is something I could not take.

I’ve had my bad days. I wish I could go back and act differently, for the sake of our relationship.

I guess one can never really have everything.

Although she might be one sided at times, I could never blame her. I am not any different. I’m just grateful that despite the vicious fights my girlfriend has never given up on me. I could never imagine my life without her. The future encrypted in mind is only with her. All my plans, my dreams, and hopes, I wish to accomplish alongside her.

On a different note, I’m starting to question myself whether this blog is a personal journal or a blog for my creative literature and whatnot. But who cares? I’m guessing this blog doesn’t reach a lot of people anyway. I’m just glad to have this and drop things from my mind in it.

I guess that’s it for now. Chow!

I’ll be here.

As of now, it is quite easy to hate me. It would be necessary to throw words of judgement at my face. I would understand if no one would want to be with someone like me. I am now the example, some people would give, to describe the opposite of an ideal man. The love of my life has every reason to leave me, hate me, and move on with her life without me. I can never fogive myself for the things I have done. I would give everything I have in this world to take it all back. She deserves someone better than me. Someone who will keep her safe from harm. Someone who will not cause her depression. A person who would understand her fears, and find a way to not bring them to life. A guy who is emotionally mature enough to not let her problem and his coexist. Because he knows that once that happens she would perish the most. She needs to be with someon who understands that her heart is more preciouse than his.

I know that she has friends who will be there to help her regain her self. But I’m afraid that she won’t open up to them. I can’t blame her for that. Because I know how close minded some people might be, and she’s afraid that people would set her aside. I want to be there for her more than anything in the world. Althouh I know that that won’t be possible. Because I brought all these pain in her life. Lifted her up, just so she can fall.

I never intended to hurt her. I have no intention of bringing her demons to life. But it happened. 

I always thought that I could be the one to save her from falling, into an endless pit of sadness and grief. For I have seen where she came from, and all the things that could rekindle the flame of love in her heart.but it turns out that I was too broken to play the part. I knew what she needed, but had too much baggage on me to deliver her needs. I couldn’t accomplish my responsibilities for her, for I too was falling into my own pit of darkness. Filled with demons I never thought I had.

I still have friends who stand by me despite my flaws. And I am forever grateful for them. But in my mind, I don’t long for the support of others. I would rather spend my entire life looking for ways to help her cope with the pain and sorrow that I have caused her, than to seek help for myself.

But just like I said, I was too broken to help her. So if I would pursue on doing so, I should deal with my own demons first. I knew even before that this is what I had to do, but have consistently failed. I always thought that no matter how gruesome the procedure would be, we would endure it together until we finally release ourselves from the curse the world has given us. It turns out that this is not the right way. We could never fix things while we were both broken.

If you love her, you have to let her go.

It’s something I always hear and read about. I know that it is right, and that it has been tested and proven over time. But I just couldn’t grasp the Idea of losing her. I’m afraid that she’ll find comfort in others, and never come back. Yes, I could regain my dignity over time, and make myself desirable again. But what if by the time I’m ready, she has found another to spend her eternity with? I am replaceable, I am not as uniqe as I believe I am. Be she is everything to me. She may not be perfect by the book, but she fills in every whole in me, that makes me complete. She brings out the best in me. Her every angle makes me feel special. And every bit of detail on her leaves me in awe. Her personality is filled beauty, that it drives me closer to heaven everytime I encounter it. I know her very well, but still am surprised of how she is everytime I’m with her. She is one of a kind. No one could replace her.

This is why I am dedicating the rest of my life to better myself. Wether she accepts the new me or not, or even if she has found another, I’ll be here.

How am I holding up?

I don’t know how I’m still living. I don’t understand why I’m still standing up. I brought myself down along with others. I ruined the lives of the people I love. There is shame in my name, and there is no one else to blame.

Second chances? Bullshit.

It felt like I wasn’t given that second chance so I can prove myself worthy of an opportunity to get back on track. It felt like I was being placed in the hot seat. That I was being pushed to my limits. That second chance was a trap in disguise. I was being lured back into my mistakes. So when I stumble upon them they can prove they’re right. That I am nothing but a filthy dog just like anyone else.

But who said I wasn’t a filthy dog in the first place? Yes, I did my best not to be one. But who whispered the words “you are perfect” into my ears? Who placed me up on a pedestal so high that I lost sight of the ground?

I don’t like pointing fingers. I always believed that no one is to be blamed for making the wrong decisions but the self. But at this moment I would like to remind, not only myself but also the people who are involved, that I was pushed. Unconsciously forced by others to make mistakes, so they can prove themselves better than anyone else — including me.

Yes, I am defending myself by saying this.

Yes, in your mind, I may not have the right to do so.

But like you, I crave for understanding. I am troubled by problems from the past. So far behind that I myself can’t even put my finger on. And now that I am a mess, all I want is for you to help me cope. 

Despite being the bad guy, I am still a human being yearning for affection; love, company, freedom of speech, compassion, and mercy.

I understand that you are also doing your best, that you have your own “coping up” te get to. I want to be there for you, I really do. But we both know that me being around will not make things easier for us.

I would ask you how you’re handling this. But it’s pretty obvious that I shouldn’t.

Instead, I’ll ask myself.

So how am I holding up?

What am I going to do?

I don’t know.

The Right Words to Write | Faith, the Gateway to Love.

A lot of us fall in love knowing that things could go wrong. We are all aware of the imperfections, and the downsides of relationships. Yet these things aren’t enough to divert our minds away from falling for someone. I mean who wouldn’t want those special treatments; text messages in the morning and at night, nice gifts, romantic dates, being held, and whatnot.

For most of us, it’s worth the try.

But what if love was introduced to us from a different perspective? What if we were told about all its flaws? All the misunderstanding miscommunication could bring? The disagreement? The lies? The cheating? Rather than all its perks.

What if we were conditioned to think of love as one of the worst things that one could experience?

What if no one knew about Love’s beauty?

We would have to find out the wonders of being in a relationship through experience, rather than being informed about them ahead of time. Would we still take the chance? Take that leap of faith?

On the contrary, are we not left in awe of the amazing things that we encounter from being in love? We know that no words could ever explain how beautiful it is. And as we fall in love, we experience all the extremity of it. Not knowing that there is more to understand than what we already know.

In my years of experience, I still consider myself a student of love. Because no matter how much feelings I have felt and understood, deep down inside, I know that there is more to love than what we could ever think of.

The beauty of it is still out there. And it is ours to take. But only if we are brave enough to dive into the uknown, and to be willing to lose everything in the hopes of acquiring something we never even imagined could exist.

The Right Words to Write | Essential or not?

What are the perks of walking down this road?
Is it worth to take, rather than those paved streets?
Was I looking at the right sky when I shouted “there are no clouds on sight”?

Are the pair of shoes I have, suitable for this journey?
Have I packed the right stuff? And even if I did, is it what I need?
Am I prepared for this?
Do I possess all that is required?

But what if nothing is ever needed in the first place?
What if all that is essential will be provided for me along the way?

Whatever luggage I have with me, weather big or small, necessary or unnecessary,
I believe that a free and uncluttered mind is the utmost requirement.
So I can comprehend whatever is laid in front of me.
For it might be all I need, not just for this trip, but for all eternity.