As of now, it is quite easy to hate me. It would be necessary to throw words of judgement at my face. I would understand if no one would want to be with someone like me. I am now the example, some people would give, to describe the opposite of an ideal man. The love of my life has every reason to leave me, hate me, and move on with her life without me. I can never fogive myself for the things I have done. I would give everything I have in this world to take it all back. She deserves someone better than me. Someone who will keep her safe from harm. Someone who will not cause her depression. A person who would understand her fears, and find a way to not bring them to life. A guy who is emotionally mature enough to not let her problem and his coexist. Because he knows that once that happens she would perish the most. She needs to be with someon who understands that her heart is more preciouse than his.
I know that she has friends who will be there to help her regain her self. But I’m afraid that she won’t open up to them. I can’t blame her for that. Because I know how close minded some people might be, and she’s afraid that people would set her aside. I want to be there for her more than anything in the world. Althouh I know that that won’t be possible. Because I brought all these pain in her life. Lifted her up, just so she can fall.
I never intended to hurt her. I have no intention of bringing her demons to life. But it happened.
I always thought that I could be the one to save her from falling, into an endless pit of sadness and grief. For I have seen where she came from, and all the things that could rekindle the flame of love in her heart.but it turns out that I was too broken to play the part. I knew what she needed, but had too much baggage on me to deliver her needs. I couldn’t accomplish my responsibilities for her, for I too was falling into my own pit of darkness. Filled with demons I never thought I had.
I still have friends who stand by me despite my flaws. And I am forever grateful for them. But in my mind, I don’t long for the support of others. I would rather spend my entire life looking for ways to help her cope with the pain and sorrow that I have caused her, than to seek help for myself.
But just like I said, I was too broken to help her. So if I would pursue on doing so, I should deal with my own demons first. I knew even before that this is what I had to do, but have consistently failed. I always thought that no matter how gruesome the procedure would be, we would endure it together until we finally release ourselves from the curse the world has given us. It turns out that this is not the right way. We could never fix things while we were both broken.
If you love her, you have to let her go.
It’s something I always hear and read about. I know that it is right, and that it has been tested and proven over time. But I just couldn’t grasp the Idea of losing her. I’m afraid that she’ll find comfort in others, and never come back. Yes, I could regain my dignity over time, and make myself desirable again. But what if by the time I’m ready, she has found another to spend her eternity with? I am replaceable, I am not as uniqe as I believe I am. Be she is everything to me. She may not be perfect by the book, but she fills in every whole in me, that makes me complete. She brings out the best in me. Her every angle makes me feel special. And every bit of detail on her leaves me in awe. Her personality is filled beauty, that it drives me closer to heaven everytime I encounter it. I know her very well, but still am surprised of how she is everytime I’m with her. She is one of a kind. No one could replace her.
This is why I am dedicating the rest of my life to better myself. Wether she accepts the new me or not, or even if she has found another, I’ll be here.