Month: October, 2016

I’ll be here.

As of now, it is quite easy to hate me. It would be necessary to throw words of judgement at my face. I would understand if no one would want to be with someone like me. I am now the example, some people would give, to describe the opposite of an ideal man. The love of my life has every reason to leave me, hate me, and move on with her life without me. I can never fogive myself for the things I have done. I would give everything I have in this world to take it all back. She deserves someone better than me. Someone who will keep her safe from harm. Someone who will not cause her depression. A person who would understand her fears, and find a way to not bring them to life. A guy who is emotionally mature enough to not let her problem and his coexist. Because he knows that once that happens she would perish the most. She needs to be with someon who understands that her heart is more preciouse than his.

I know that she has friends who will be there to help her regain her self. But I’m afraid that she won’t open up to them. I can’t blame her for that. Because I know how close minded some people might be, and she’s afraid that people would set her aside. I want to be there for her more than anything in the world. Althouh I know that that won’t be possible. Because I brought all these pain in her life. Lifted her up, just so she can fall.

I never intended to hurt her. I have no intention of bringing her demons to life. But it happened. 

I always thought that I could be the one to save her from falling, into an endless pit of sadness and grief. For I have seen where she came from, and all the things that could rekindle the flame of love in her heart.but it turns out that I was too broken to play the part. I knew what she needed, but had too much baggage on me to deliver her needs. I couldn’t accomplish my responsibilities for her, for I too was falling into my own pit of darkness. Filled with demons I never thought I had.

I still have friends who stand by me despite my flaws. And I am forever grateful for them. But in my mind, I don’t long for the support of others. I would rather spend my entire life looking for ways to help her cope with the pain and sorrow that I have caused her, than to seek help for myself.

But just like I said, I was too broken to help her. So if I would pursue on doing so, I should deal with my own demons first. I knew even before that this is what I had to do, but have consistently failed. I always thought that no matter how gruesome the procedure would be, we would endure it together until we finally release ourselves from the curse the world has given us. It turns out that this is not the right way. We could never fix things while we were both broken.

If you love her, you have to let her go.

It’s something I always hear and read about. I know that it is right, and that it has been tested and proven over time. But I just couldn’t grasp the Idea of losing her. I’m afraid that she’ll find comfort in others, and never come back. Yes, I could regain my dignity over time, and make myself desirable again. But what if by the time I’m ready, she has found another to spend her eternity with? I am replaceable, I am not as uniqe as I believe I am. Be she is everything to me. She may not be perfect by the book, but she fills in every whole in me, that makes me complete. She brings out the best in me. Her every angle makes me feel special. And every bit of detail on her leaves me in awe. Her personality is filled beauty, that it drives me closer to heaven everytime I encounter it. I know her very well, but still am surprised of how she is everytime I’m with her. She is one of a kind. No one could replace her.

This is why I am dedicating the rest of my life to better myself. Wether she accepts the new me or not, or even if she has found another, I’ll be here.


How am I holding up?

I don’t know how I’m still living. I don’t understand why I’m still standing up. I brought myself down along with others. I ruined the lives of the people I love. There is shame in my name, and there is no one else to blame.

Second chances? Bullshit.

It felt like I wasn’t given that second chance so I can prove myself worthy of an opportunity to get back on track. It felt like I was being placed in the hot seat. That I was being pushed to my limits. That second chance was a trap in disguise. I was being lured back into my mistakes. So when I stumble upon them they can prove they’re right. That I am nothing but a filthy dog just like anyone else.

But who said I wasn’t a filthy dog in the first place? Yes, I did my best not to be one. But who whispered the words “you are perfect” into my ears? Who placed me up on a pedestal so high that I lost sight of the ground?

I don’t like pointing fingers. I always believed that no one is to be blamed for making the wrong decisions but the self. But at this moment I would like to remind, not only myself but also the people who are involved, that I was pushed. Unconsciously forced by others to make mistakes, so they can prove themselves better than anyone else — including me.

Yes, I am defending myself by saying this.

Yes, in your mind, I may not have the right to do so.

But like you, I crave for understanding. I am troubled by problems from the past. So far behind that I myself can’t even put my finger on. And now that I am a mess, all I want is for you to help me cope. 

Despite being the bad guy, I am still a human being yearning for affection; love, company, freedom of speech, compassion, and mercy.

I understand that you are also doing your best, that you have your own “coping up” te get to. I want to be there for you, I really do. But we both know that me being around will not make things easier for us.

I would ask you how you’re handling this. But it’s pretty obvious that I shouldn’t.

Instead, I’ll ask myself.

So how am I holding up?

What am I going to do?

I don’t know.

The Right Words to Write | Faith, the Gateway to Love.

A lot of us fall in love knowing that things could go wrong. We are all aware of the imperfections, and the downsides of relationships. Yet these things aren’t enough to divert our minds away from falling for someone. I mean who wouldn’t want those special treatments; text messages in the morning and at night, nice gifts, romantic dates, being held, and whatnot.

For most of us, it’s worth the try.

But what if love was introduced to us from a different perspective? What if we were told about all its flaws? All the misunderstanding miscommunication could bring? The disagreement? The lies? The cheating? Rather than all its perks.

What if we were conditioned to think of love as one of the worst things that one could experience?

What if no one knew about Love’s beauty?

We would have to find out the wonders of being in a relationship through experience, rather than being informed about them ahead of time. Would we still take the chance? Take that leap of faith?

On the contrary, are we not left in awe of the amazing things that we encounter from being in love? We know that no words could ever explain how beautiful it is. And as we fall in love, we experience all the extremity of it. Not knowing that there is more to understand than what we already know.

In my years of experience, I still consider myself a student of love. Because no matter how much feelings I have felt and understood, deep down inside, I know that there is more to love than what we could ever think of.

The beauty of it is still out there. And it is ours to take. But only if we are brave enough to dive into the uknown, and to be willing to lose everything in the hopes of acquiring something we never even imagined could exist.