How am I holding up?
I don’t know how I’m still living. I don’t understand why I’m still standing up. I brought myself down along with others. I ruined the lives of the people I love. There is shame in my name, and there is no one else to blame.
Second chances? Bullshit.
It felt like I wasn’t given that second chance so I can prove myself worthy of an opportunity to get back on track. It felt like I was being placed in the hot seat. That I was being pushed to my limits. That second chance was a trap in disguise. I was being lured back into my mistakes. So when I stumble upon them they can prove they’re right. That I am nothing but a filthy dog just like anyone else.
But who said I wasn’t a filthy dog in the first place? Yes, I did my best not to be one. But who whispered the words “you are perfect” into my ears? Who placed me up on a pedestal so high that I lost sight of the ground?
I don’t like pointing fingers. I always believed that no one is to be blamed for making the wrong decisions but the self. But at this moment I would like to remind, not only myself but also the people who are involved, that I was pushed. Unconsciously forced by others to make mistakes, so they can prove themselves better than anyone else — including me.
Yes, I am defending myself by saying this.
Yes, in your mind, I may not have the right to do so.
But like you, I crave for understanding. I am troubled by problems from the past. So far behind that I myself can’t even put my finger on. And now that I am a mess, all I want is for you to help me cope.
Despite being the bad guy, I am still a human being yearning for affection; love, company, freedom of speech, compassion, and mercy.
I understand that you are also doing your best, that you have your own “coping up” te get to. I want to be there for you, I really do. But we both know that me being around will not make things easier for us.
I would ask you how you’re handling this. But it’s pretty obvious that I shouldn’t.
Instead, I’ll ask myself.
So how am I holding up?
What am I going to do?
I don’t know.