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Category: journey

Kasama mo ako

Kasama mo ako
Ralph Lawrence Monserrate
(Para sa pinakakamamahal kong si Aljessa)

Di lahat nakakakita
ng kagandahan ng diwa
lalo na kung natabunan na ng sala.
Kahit paano kang magbago
punuin mo man ng pagsamo
matalim parin ang kanilang mga dila.

Ngunit wag kang malulungkot, tapalan ang kanilang puot
ng ngiti.
Hawakan mo aking kamay, galugarin natin ang buhay
at mga pisngi…

ng ulap,
at ating isulat,
mga hinaing sa mundo, oh ako ay kasama mo.
Ating imulat
mga mata at tanggaping lahat ay maaayos din
pagkat kasama mo ako

Alam ko na mahirap,
paksa ma’y ‘di mo mayakap,
ngunit tiwala ang kaylangan upang mahanap
ang ating inaasam
na hangin lang ang may alam
pagibig na ating pinapangarap.

Kaya’t wag kang malulungkot, kalimutan mo ang puot
at ngumiti.
Hawakan mo aking kamay, tayo ay maglalakbay.
Matutong magtiwala muli.

At sa ulap
natin isusulat
mga problema at gulo. Ako ay kasama mo.
Tayo’y mamumulat
at matututong tanggapig, lahat ay maaayos din.
Saan ka man mapadpad, ako ay lilipad.
Saan mang sulok ng mundo, asahang darating ako.
At kung maubos na ang oras, o ang buhay’  magwakas
kasama mo ako.

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The Dream | A Romantic Endeavor

As someone who has gone through a couple of years into a relationship, I’ve experienced moments where I felt like my relationship with my partner is slowly deteriorating. I wouldn’t say we’re talking each other for granted, but more of expecting each other to always be available, hence not thinking about ways to strengthen the relationship any further.

I like to think that it is not a bad thing to settle with what we have, but this thought always leads to me thinking about the things I want for my partner. I want her to reach for her dreams, be able to do the thing she likes without any hesitations and remorse, and continue to grow as a person. And so I think to myself that “settling won’t make the cut”.

If I want something, I have to work for it. Yes, I want money. This is one of the main reasons I’m working 40 hours a week, but why money? There’s more than just buying new stuff, clothes, and other luxuries in life. It is for me to keep moving up in life, not just financially, but for self-worth. Because how would I help my partner achieve her goals if I myself am at halt with my life? I wouldn’t be able to share her struggles in moving forward, I wouldn’t understand her problems.

This is why I have to work hard. We work hard for the things we want, and I want to help her transcend.

I don’t want to see this unrecognized care escalate into completely taking her for granted, because to be honest, I felt like I was being taken for granted and no one wants that.

Just a few days ago, I had a struggle of bringing up a topic with my partner. A topic that I believed will lead to a week-long argument.  But as I brought it up, she answered very calmly, and seems to not care about it at all. As if her words were unconsciously telling me “do what you want, I don’t care”. Sure, I didn’t have to worry about the argument anymore because she’s OK with it. But it broke my heart just a tiny bit, the tiny kind that leads to the worst cracks. With no exaggeration, I immediately saw our “real break-up” coming forward.

But, as I was just about to break down, She sees the pain in my eyes and told me why she seem to have abruptly approved with the issue I brought up. She already knew about the topic I brought up a day ahead, and was just waiting for me to tell it to her. She was waiting for me to say it. She knew that I had problems with sharing my trials with her, and she helped me overcome it by letting me handle it without even telling me. Then it hit me… This girl loves me. She helps me grow as a person who is in control of his emotions. She wants me to grow. And I believe that that is true love.

I’ve never thought that someone, besides my family, would want something better for me, someone who works hard to help me achieve my goals.

Of course, this is not the only time and/or situation where I felt her unconditional love for me. I just wanted to share this beautiful situation to everyone who might be feeling left out.

Maybe we aren’t really being taken for granted, maybe they love us and that they are actually focused on us. Secretly helping us and watching us grow, because after all, it’s their goal. You are their goal.

I am grateful that I have a partner who truly loves me. And because of that, I am dedicated to making sure she doesn’t feel left out. After all, she is my dream. And I can’t wait to see my dream soar, and come true right before my eyes.

Weight off my shoulders

I’ve presented my work just the other day, and it’s nice to know that I was somehow on track. I did learned that I do nee d to plunge deeper when it comes to synthesizing my work, and that I need to look further into the future rather than just focusing on summarizing research studies for the sake of presenting.

Feedback is actually something that I’ve been waiting for from my superior a couple of weeks back. I was so stressed and worried that I might be working out of bounds, and that it will affect not only me in the future, but all the people involved in the project.

From this experience, I’ve learned to be more confident on my skills, and trust that things will fall in place if I work hard and do my best.

My colleagues are actually very encouraging regarding my work, and are always there to support me whenever I’m a bit lost.

All jobs, whether big or small, requires dedication and patience to achieve what is expected of you. For all you know, you could possibly be an asset for the company you work for even in the littlest thing you do.

Statistics… YIKES!

I really liked my college days. Not only the perks from the none-academic activities; or the fun had I got from being an unrestricted teenager, but the actual subjects that I was taking –especially my major subjects. One particular subject that really got my attention was “Research”. I know that it may seem a bit of a humble-brag, but I really liked how I was able to come up with a problem, gather data and references and being able to patch them up to arrive at a particular idea or a conclusion. Although one thing kept me from moving forward with that subject; something that struck the boredom in me, and that is Statistics.

Yep, I was just an average kid who thinks he’s such an artistic mind who doesn’t have time to deal with numbers.

I just couldn’t deal with all the formulas and all that jazz that I had to remember. It’s true that things get easier if you know the formulas. You just have to input the numbers and things will follow (I’m not really sure if that’s how it goes 😛).

Anyway, this leads me to my actual point. I am now working as a researcher in a pretty prestige college here in manila, and without any surprise, it involves statistics. At first I was burning through those journal articles, like I had all the time in the world just for reading, but every time I come across statistics that I have to comprehend, I feel like time slows down and I get stuck on that part for a very long time.

It’s kind of stressful for me, because I really want to deliver outputs, at least on a daily basis. My boss isn’t really requiring me to hand out outputs right away; he’s actually very subtle on giving me deadlines. But I get so conscious since I believe all of my co-workers are so certain of what they do here, then there’s me; sitting in my table, pretending to be very progressive and confident in my job, but the truth is my mind is deteriorating

Anyway, I’m just glad that my boss and co-workers are fun and supportive. I just hope I can deliver my workload and not disappoint them. For now, it’s time to hit the books (or in my case, Google).

Peace out!

P.S.
If anyone out there is actually reading my blog, some pointers or tips for stats wouldn’t hurt. 🙂

Personal thoughts/ Things on my mind

I’m here again, about to explain a situation that would tell where I was before; how I got there, and what happens next. So…

This entry might not go so well since I haven’t written anything here for the longest time, so let me just start with this.

The Office of Center for Learning and Performance Assessment at the De La Salle – College of Saint Benilde Hired me back for the Researcher position (which practically means, I got my day job back), and it pays a lot more than all my previous job, which is great! Also, I’m still performing in a band, this time regularly, every Friday from 6:00 pm onward, which is actually pretty cool because this time, I also get paid for it. How awesome is that? And it doesn’t stop there! I’ve been getting portrait commissions lately that got me working on my drawings that is also one of the things I’m passionate about.

But one thing that I’ve been constantly been worried about is my relationship with my girlfriend. Sure, we have days where we could just lie in bed together and think of nothing but ourselves; days where all I can remember is laughter, happiness and joy. But recently, our process of dealing with fights has been becoming more brutal, and this is something I could not take.

I’ve had my bad days. I wish I could go back and act differently, for the sake of our relationship.

I guess one can never really have everything.

Although she might be one sided at times, I could never blame her. I am not any different. I’m just grateful that despite the vicious fights my girlfriend has never given up on me. I could never imagine my life without her. The future encrypted in mind is only with her. All my plans, my dreams, and hopes, I wish to accomplish alongside her.

On a different note, I’m starting to question myself whether this blog is a personal journal or a blog for my creative literature and whatnot. But who cares? I’m guessing this blog doesn’t reach a lot of people anyway. I’m just glad to have this and drop things from my mind in it.

I guess that’s it for now. Chow!

The Right Words to Write | Faith, the Gateway to Love.

A lot of us fall in love knowing that things could go wrong. We are all aware of the imperfections, and the downsides of relationships. Yet these things aren’t enough to divert our minds away from falling for someone. I mean who wouldn’t want those special treatments; text messages in the morning and at night, nice gifts, romantic dates, being held, and whatnot.

For most of us, it’s worth the try.

But what if love was introduced to us from a different perspective? What if we were told about all its flaws? All the misunderstanding miscommunication could bring? The disagreement? The lies? The cheating? Rather than all its perks.

What if we were conditioned to think of love as one of the worst things that one could experience?

What if no one knew about Love’s beauty?

We would have to find out the wonders of being in a relationship through experience, rather than being informed about them ahead of time. Would we still take the chance? Take that leap of faith?

On the contrary, are we not left in awe of the amazing things that we encounter from being in love? We know that no words could ever explain how beautiful it is. And as we fall in love, we experience all the extremity of it. Not knowing that there is more to understand than what we already know.

In my years of experience, I still consider myself a student of love. Because no matter how much feelings I have felt and understood, deep down inside, I know that there is more to love than what we could ever think of.

The beauty of it is still out there. And it is ours to take. But only if we are brave enough to dive into the uknown, and to be willing to lose everything in the hopes of acquiring something we never even imagined could exist.

The Right Words to Write | Essential or not?

What are the perks of walking down this road?
Is it worth to take, rather than those paved streets?
Was I looking at the right sky when I shouted “there are no clouds on sight”?

Are the pair of shoes I have, suitable for this journey?
Have I packed the right stuff? And even if I did, is it what I need?
Am I prepared for this?
Do I possess all that is required?

But what if nothing is ever needed in the first place?
What if all that is essential will be provided for me along the way?

Whatever luggage I have with me, weather big or small, necessary or unnecessary,
I believe that a free and uncluttered mind is the utmost requirement.
So I can comprehend whatever is laid in front of me.
For it might be all I need, not just for this trip, but for all eternity.

The Right Words to Write | Is the Past simply the Past?

Is the past simply the past?
Is that all there is to that matter?

Happy moments infused unto our skin that sooner delivers pleasure, like masochists ignoring the pain. Or sad recollections integrated within our mind, that brings forth memories too painful to endure. Memories implanted unto our brains weather good or bad, fun, amusing or annoying, the hurt, regrets and pain, leaving a hole in you.

And what comes after are values learned. But what do they bring us these days? Did it incorporate its bearing on us? What are we now? Are these present characteristics of ours, mere fragments of our previous lives? Is it what we resolve to be? Or is it what our history has made of us? Have we positively gained from it? Or have we been misled? Are we now bound for greatness or destruction? Manifestations will soon reveal themselves.

Has the present completely obliterated the past? Or is it by the will of the past that we move forward unto the future? regardless of what we might stumble upon. Did it make its toll upon us, or did we just fell into its never ending cycle that we refer to as “history repeats itself”?

On the other hand, did it even occur to us that maybe, just maybe, that we are the past? That we are the memories that linger within these shallow halls, unconsciously wanting to be part of something greater than us, such as the future or the present.

Could it be that whenever we assume that we are two steps, three steps ahead, that is the time where we fall four steps, five steps behind?

Aren’t we the ones who were forgotten? The ones left to remain, that serves as the pain, the sorrow, the happiness, and the joy that kept the present alive or happy every time someone somewhere reminisces. Are we the ones who will keep the future free from stumbling upon whatever mistakes we have done?

The past makes us wander off into a daze, where all feelings from before becomes present, and prepares us for the future. So is the past simply the past? Or is it, or was, our gateway to an improved future?

The Right Words to Write | Addiction at its finest

There is a great probability that I would not be able to get over this obsession that has deeply manifested in me.
My whole being is conquered by its core purpose.
It has caused me to undergo change.

And the truth is, I like this.
I’m not going to let this fade.
It has brought me to a phase unlike any other.
a place where I can be myself, and never have to worry about pleasing or submitting to the norms that the society has incorporated upon us all.

I indulge in its light that never ceases to brighten up almost everything.
It is as gentle as the river’s tide that flows with such grace and calmness which brings warmth and relaxation, upon my cold and sore body.
I would get lost in this wondrous fortress, where tall trees and vibrant flowers grew and never fade. It is a wonderful chapter that has only begun, but has already amused my whole being.

I have hoped that it would never let go of my soul, a soul that has pledged to not ever abandon it.

It is all I wanted. And now that it is within my grasp, I will hold it until the end of my journey and of my life.

The mysteries and marvels of “Love” are all we need, like a drug that gives life, completes our souls and nurtures our heart with its awkward ways, the kind of awkward that is pretty nice and quiet desirable.

I found my drug in someone with a pure, noble and kind heart. Someone who never failed to mesmerize me all through out every encounter, and I succumb to her completely.

-Ralph

The Right Words to Write | To my Love

To my Love,                                                                                   June 25, 2014

First of all I would like to tell you that I was just writing whatever comes to mind, so this is as random as fuck. 🙂

Thank you, for accepting me, for trusting me and for caring for me. Thank you for spending time with me, making me smile and laugh. Thank you for being yourself when we are together. Without telling me, you have taught me the meaning of love. That love is kind; it is not cruel, that it is patient and gentle.

Having someone wherein weather in good times or in bad, still sees the greatness in what you have, someone who only submits compliments of beauty despite all your flaws, one who is always mesmerized and amazed regardless of your mistakes, somebody who understands and listens to your inner most difficulties, and a person that accepts you for who you really are is definitely a person who is worth everything.

You are beautiful, inside and out. Your simple ways have captured me. You are my sun and moon, my light. Those precious eyes and killer smiles are the things I see during a day dream. I feel the touch of your hair in the wind, and I can smell your scent in my shirt. Whenever you hold my hand, I feel some sort of comfort unlike any other. Your skill in the arts astounds me. Though you may have a morbid way of interpreting feelings, it truly is remarkable and can really be felt by your viewers. I wish to see you draw, and do the things you love. Your taste for music gave me a new interest. Those folk and indie pop rock music are definitely deep and could be heartwarming. I like hearing you sing, weather its acapella or with a guitar, in the streets or at your house, out loud or softly to my ear, the sound of your voice are like hugs for my ears. And even though I haven’t really read much of your writings, I believe that you could be really good at it. You could see things from a different depth, and give a much deeper meaning to the many aspects of life.

We both know that this was all unexpected. I have always been trying to predict the unexpected factors that the universe has to offer me, but having you in my life was one thing that I never saw coming, I can only be so grateful that we both fell in this path to share and cherish as we take it towards who knows where, what, and when.

Thank you for listening to me, regarding my problems with family, friends, work and other stuff, it has been very helpful to me. And for supporting me and the band by watching our gigs, and for being my fan girl, thank you very much. You gave me hope. In the midst of despair, you were there. You may not be aware of it, but you gave me a reason to live on. And because of it, I am eternally indebted to you.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, the things that make you happy, things you like and want, the things that you hate or don’t like. Thank you for entrusting me with personal matters, with family, previous friends, at work and some other stuff. Thank you for being so cool at all times, it makes me feel real comfortable. And though you may be boyish at times (most of the time actually hehe) you are still a gorgeous woman to me, who has the world in her hands and is ready for whatever the world has to offer her.

I’ve said it all throughout this letter, and I’ll say it again, thank you for the Love Aljessa, and I Love You so much.

Yours always,

Ralph