How’s it going?
I really liked my college days. Not only the perks from the none-academic activities; or the fun had I got from being an unrestricted teenager, but the actual subjects that I was taking –especially my major subjects. One particular subject that really got my attention was “Research”. I know that it may seem a bit of a humble-brag, but I really liked how I was able to come up with a problem, gather data and references and being able to patch them up to arrive at a particular idea or a conclusion. Although one thing kept me from moving forward with that subject; something that struck the boredom in me, and that is Statistics.
Yep, I was just an average kid who thinks he’s such an artistic mind who doesn’t have time to deal with numbers.
I just couldn’t deal with all the formulas and all that jazz that I had to remember. It’s true that things get easier if you know the formulas. You just have to input the numbers and things will follow (I’m not really sure if that’s how it goes 😛).
Anyway, this leads me to my actual point. I am now working as a researcher in a pretty prestige college here in manila, and without any surprise, it involves statistics. At first I was burning through those journal articles, like I had all the time in the world just for reading, but every time I come across statistics that I have to comprehend, I feel like time slows down and I get stuck on that part for a very long time.
It’s kind of stressful for me, because I really want to deliver outputs, at least on a daily basis. My boss isn’t really requiring me to hand out outputs right away; he’s actually very subtle on giving me deadlines. But I get so conscious since I believe all of my co-workers are so certain of what they do here, then there’s me; sitting in my table, pretending to be very progressive and confident in my job, but the truth is my mind is deteriorating
Anyway, I’m just glad that my boss and co-workers are fun and supportive. I just hope I can deliver my workload and not disappoint them. For now, it’s time to hit the books (or in my case, Google).
If anyone out there is actually reading my blog, some pointers or tips for stats wouldn’t hurt. 🙂
I’m here again, about to explain a situation that would tell where I was before; how I got there, and what happens next. So…
This entry might not go so well since I haven’t written anything here for the longest time, so let me just start with this.
The Office of Center for Learning and Performance Assessment at the De La Salle – College of Saint Benilde Hired me back for the Researcher position (which practically means, I got my day job back), and it pays a lot more than all my previous job, which is great! Also, I’m still performing in a band, this time regularly, every Friday from 6:00 pm onward, which is actually pretty cool because this time, I also get paid for it. How awesome is that? And it doesn’t stop there! I’ve been getting portrait commissions lately that got me working on my drawings that is also one of the things I’m passionate about.
But one thing that I’ve been constantly been worried about is my relationship with my girlfriend. Sure, we have days where we could just lie in bed together and think of nothing but ourselves; days where all I can remember is laughter, happiness and joy. But recently, our process of dealing with fights has been becoming more brutal, and this is something I could not take.
I’ve had my bad days. I wish I could go back and act differently, for the sake of our relationship.
I guess one can never really have everything.
Although she might be one sided at times, I could never blame her. I am not any different. I’m just grateful that despite the vicious fights my girlfriend has never given up on me. I could never imagine my life without her. The future encrypted in mind is only with her. All my plans, my dreams, and hopes, I wish to accomplish alongside her.
On a different note, I’m starting to question myself whether this blog is a personal journal or a blog for my creative literature and whatnot. But who cares? I’m guessing this blog doesn’t reach a lot of people anyway. I’m just glad to have this and drop things from my mind in it.
I guess that’s it for now. Chow!
As of now, it is quite easy to hate me. It would be necessary to throw words of judgement at my face. I would understand if no one would want to be with someone like me. I am now the example, some people would give, to describe the opposite of an ideal man. The love of my life has every reason to leave me, hate me, and move on with her life without me. I can never fogive myself for the things I have done. I would give everything I have in this world to take it all back. She deserves someone better than me. Someone who will keep her safe from harm. Someone who will not cause her depression. A person who would understand her fears, and find a way to not bring them to life. A guy who is emotionally mature enough to not let her problem and his coexist. Because he knows that once that happens she would perish the most. She needs to be with someon who understands that her heart is more preciouse than his.
I know that she has friends who will be there to help her regain her self. But I’m afraid that she won’t open up to them. I can’t blame her for that. Because I know how close minded some people might be, and she’s afraid that people would set her aside. I want to be there for her more than anything in the world. Althouh I know that that won’t be possible. Because I brought all these pain in her life. Lifted her up, just so she can fall.
I never intended to hurt her. I have no intention of bringing her demons to life. But it happened.
I always thought that I could be the one to save her from falling, into an endless pit of sadness and grief. For I have seen where she came from, and all the things that could rekindle the flame of love in her heart.but it turns out that I was too broken to play the part. I knew what she needed, but had too much baggage on me to deliver her needs. I couldn’t accomplish my responsibilities for her, for I too was falling into my own pit of darkness. Filled with demons I never thought I had.
I still have friends who stand by me despite my flaws. And I am forever grateful for them. But in my mind, I don’t long for the support of others. I would rather spend my entire life looking for ways to help her cope with the pain and sorrow that I have caused her, than to seek help for myself.
But just like I said, I was too broken to help her. So if I would pursue on doing so, I should deal with my own demons first. I knew even before that this is what I had to do, but have consistently failed. I always thought that no matter how gruesome the procedure would be, we would endure it together until we finally release ourselves from the curse the world has given us. It turns out that this is not the right way. We could never fix things while we were both broken.
If you love her, you have to let her go.
It’s something I always hear and read about. I know that it is right, and that it has been tested and proven over time. But I just couldn’t grasp the Idea of losing her. I’m afraid that she’ll find comfort in others, and never come back. Yes, I could regain my dignity over time, and make myself desirable again. But what if by the time I’m ready, she has found another to spend her eternity with? I am replaceable, I am not as uniqe as I believe I am. Be she is everything to me. She may not be perfect by the book, but she fills in every whole in me, that makes me complete. She brings out the best in me. Her every angle makes me feel special. And every bit of detail on her leaves me in awe. Her personality is filled beauty, that it drives me closer to heaven everytime I encounter it. I know her very well, but still am surprised of how she is everytime I’m with her. She is one of a kind. No one could replace her.
This is why I am dedicating the rest of my life to better myself. Wether she accepts the new me or not, or even if she has found another, I’ll be here.
I don’t know how I’m still living. I don’t understand why I’m still standing up. I brought myself down along with others. I ruined the lives of the people I love. There is shame in my name, and there is no one else to blame.
Second chances? Bullshit.
It felt like I wasn’t given that second chance so I can prove myself worthy of an opportunity to get back on track. It felt like I was being placed in the hot seat. That I was being pushed to my limits. That second chance was a trap in disguise. I was being lured back into my mistakes. So when I stumble upon them they can prove they’re right. That I am nothing but a filthy dog just like anyone else.
But who said I wasn’t a filthy dog in the first place? Yes, I did my best not to be one. But who whispered the words “you are perfect” into my ears? Who placed me up on a pedestal so high that I lost sight of the ground?
I don’t like pointing fingers. I always believed that no one is to be blamed for making the wrong decisions but the self. But at this moment I would like to remind, not only myself but also the people who are involved, that I was pushed. Unconsciously forced by others to make mistakes, so they can prove themselves better than anyone else — including me.
Yes, I am defending myself by saying this.
Yes, in your mind, I may not have the right to do so.
But like you, I crave for understanding. I am troubled by problems from the past. So far behind that I myself can’t even put my finger on. And now that I am a mess, all I want is for you to help me cope.
Despite being the bad guy, I am still a human being yearning for affection; love, company, freedom of speech, compassion, and mercy.
I understand that you are also doing your best, that you have your own “coping up” te get to. I want to be there for you, I really do. But we both know that me being around will not make things easier for us.
I would ask you how you’re handling this. But it’s pretty obvious that I shouldn’t.
Instead, I’ll ask myself.
So how am I holding up?
What am I going to do?
I don’t know.
There is a great probability that I would not be able to get over this obsession that has deeply manifested in me.
My whole being is conquered by its core purpose.
It has caused me to undergo change.
And the truth is, I like this.
I’m not going to let this fade.
It has brought me to a phase unlike any other.
a place where I can be myself, and never have to worry about pleasing or submitting to the norms that the society has incorporated upon us all.
I indulge in its light that never ceases to brighten up almost everything.
It is as gentle as the river’s tide that flows with such grace and calmness which brings warmth and relaxation, upon my cold and sore body.
I would get lost in this wondrous fortress, where tall trees and vibrant flowers grew and never fade. It is a wonderful chapter that has only begun, but has already amused my whole being.
I have hoped that it would never let go of my soul, a soul that has pledged to not ever abandon it.
It is all I wanted. And now that it is within my grasp, I will hold it until the end of my journey and of my life.
The mysteries and marvels of “Love” are all we need, like a drug that gives life, completes our souls and nurtures our heart with its awkward ways, the kind of awkward that is pretty nice and quiet desirable.
I found my drug in someone with a pure, noble and kind heart. Someone who never failed to mesmerize me all through out every encounter, and I succumb to her completely.
To my Love, June 25, 2014
First of all I would like to tell you that I was just writing whatever comes to mind, so this is as random as fuck. 🙂
Thank you, for accepting me, for trusting me and for caring for me. Thank you for spending time with me, making me smile and laugh. Thank you for being yourself when we are together. Without telling me, you have taught me the meaning of love. That love is kind; it is not cruel, that it is patient and gentle.
Having someone wherein weather in good times or in bad, still sees the greatness in what you have, someone who only submits compliments of beauty despite all your flaws, one who is always mesmerized and amazed regardless of your mistakes, somebody who understands and listens to your inner most difficulties, and a person that accepts you for who you really are is definitely a person who is worth everything.
You are beautiful, inside and out. Your simple ways have captured me. You are my sun and moon, my light. Those precious eyes and killer smiles are the things I see during a day dream. I feel the touch of your hair in the wind, and I can smell your scent in my shirt. Whenever you hold my hand, I feel some sort of comfort unlike any other. Your skill in the arts astounds me. Though you may have a morbid way of interpreting feelings, it truly is remarkable and can really be felt by your viewers. I wish to see you draw, and do the things you love. Your taste for music gave me a new interest. Those folk and indie pop rock music are definitely deep and could be heartwarming. I like hearing you sing, weather its acapella or with a guitar, in the streets or at your house, out loud or softly to my ear, the sound of your voice are like hugs for my ears. And even though I haven’t really read much of your writings, I believe that you could be really good at it. You could see things from a different depth, and give a much deeper meaning to the many aspects of life.
We both know that this was all unexpected. I have always been trying to predict the unexpected factors that the universe has to offer me, but having you in my life was one thing that I never saw coming, I can only be so grateful that we both fell in this path to share and cherish as we take it towards who knows where, what, and when.
Thank you for listening to me, regarding my problems with family, friends, work and other stuff, it has been very helpful to me. And for supporting me and the band by watching our gigs, and for being my fan girl, thank you very much. You gave me hope. In the midst of despair, you were there. You may not be aware of it, but you gave me a reason to live on. And because of it, I am eternally indebted to you.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, the things that make you happy, things you like and want, the things that you hate or don’t like. Thank you for entrusting me with personal matters, with family, previous friends, at work and some other stuff. Thank you for being so cool at all times, it makes me feel real comfortable. And though you may be boyish at times (most of the time actually hehe) you are still a gorgeous woman to me, who has the world in her hands and is ready for whatever the world has to offer her.
I’ve said it all throughout this letter, and I’ll say it again, thank you for the Love Aljessa, and I Love You so much.